Author Archives: heldrificus

20 Definitely true facts that are for sure, actually true…seriously.

In my 27 years on this spinning blue and green ball I’ve learned very few things.  Here they are.

*This is a work of fiction, only most of these facts are definitely true*

1. The death of Paul Newman signalled the end of the “Cool white guy”.  He was the last one.  White people will be lame from now on.

2. You can fit 9 baby Hippos in a 1978 VW microbus (10 if the back seats have been replaced with a waterbed).  Anything more is just plain greedy.

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Drama you can’t script Part 2: Frankie Edgar is a Terminator/possibly Yul Brynner

When Gray Maynard clipped Frankie Edgar in round one of their UFC 136 bout, I had a feeling of déjà vu wash over me.  No it wasn’t just the feeling of an overstuffed stomach engorged with ham and turkey from the thanksgiving feast I enjoyed earlier, this was a movie I had seen before.  The second bout of their trilogy had started the same way, with Maynard clubbing Edgar in round one and the champion having to hold on for dear life in hopes of clearing the cobwebs between rounds.  In the first fight Maynard had gassed himself out going for the finish and Edgar got on his bike and used precise footwork to hit and run his way to a draw (a fight I thought Edgar won).  Edgar had shown great heart, gutting out that first round and leaving Las Vegas with his title.

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I Just Blue Myself

One of the greatest injustices of the past millennia was the mishandling and subsequent cancellation of Arrested Development.  That statement is ridiculously hyperbolic, but as a (stupid) man of principle, I’m just going to go ahead and stand by it.  Fox played musical chairs with the show’s timeslot—including at one point putting it up against Monday Night Football—and AD was never able to gain a foothold and find an audience.  Well Arrested Development fans, your prayers have been answered!  Assuming your daily prayer routine involved doing the chicken dance and screaming “There’s money in the banana stand” to the heavens, all while clutching Arrested Development and Teen Wolf Too DVDs (Jason Bateman’s true Magnum Opus).

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Drama that you can’t script

It has taken a day and a half to recover from the swan song of Major League Baseball‘s regular season, and I pity those of you who dared watch anything else on Wednesday night.  Real life drama will always trump scripted drama, and that night provided more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie marathon.  Also these twists didn’t suck entirely like every Shyamalan flick post Sixth Sense (I guess they sucked if you were from “Bahston”).

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ALL SIMPSONS CHANNEL? I NEED THIS! (SAID WITH THE DESPERATION OF A DRUG ADDICT)

Kenny Brokelstien

Despite my rugged handsomeness, I don’t have many loves in my life.  Maybe my manliness intimidates women, or maybe they’re mistaking my “rugged handsomeness” for “misshapen ugliness”.  The point is– other than my immediate family and some close friends– the only constant love I’ve had in my life is The Simpsons.  I’m strangely comfortable with this.  78% of my language is cobbled together using Simpsons references (the other 22% is recreating the Sanford & Son theme using mouth noises and under-seen Mr. Show sketches).  My lifelong dream will always involve writing for The Simpsons.  I would even settle for sitting in the writers room in quiet awe while they dictate their lunch orders to me.   So you would have to believe the front of my pants would tighten when a friend sent me a link to the most beautiful story ever written.  Was it the Bible?  Everybody poops?  Breakfast of Champions?  Carrot Top’s Junk in the Trunk?  Katherine Hepburn’s Me?

NOPE!

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Community is Back! Suicide now deemed unnecessary!

A joke so funny, your pants will fill with urine...tinged with blood

Community is essentially the only reason Channel 4 exists on my television.  I guess this is also true for 714, Channel 4’s beautiful, (albeit a little slutty) high definition sister.  It is the only show I make a point of watching during its intended timeslot.  The reason is simple, it makes me happy.  Pathetic?  Maybe, but it’s the most well rounded show on TV today.  It carries the torch lit by early seasons of The Simpsons.  It is a show that can be both zany and grounded in the same scene, with three dimensional characters, not just joke machines spewing set-ups and punch lines at an alarming rate.  Unafraid to take risks and try new ways to tell stories (covering un-treaded ground, who knew that an episode where the characters sit in a room and play dungeons and dragons could be so epic?), Community avoids spiralling into the formulaic, something that bogs down essentially every other show on network television.

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Real Weekend at Bernie’s less hilarious than expected

What a delightfully zany premise

There are very few movies more implausible than Weekend at Bernie’s.  Only movies where Nick Nolte is sober or Sharon Stone isn’t a prostitute seem more far fetched.  Well it turns out that Weekend at Bernie’s is very real, and a lot less hilarious than I’ve been led to believe.  Robert Young and Mark Rubinson of Denver decided that their buddy wasn’t too dead to party with, or at least not too dead to pay their tab (this is your fault Andrew McCarthy, you made “violating a corpse” seem delightfully zany).

Via The Associated Press

Young arrived at Jarrett’s home and found him unresponsive.

But rather than call the authorities, police say, Young went to find Rubinson.

The duo returned to Jarrett’s home and put his lifeless body into Rubinson’s SUV and headed to a nightspot where they spent more than an hour drinking — leaving Jarrett’s body in the vehicle, according to police documents. Police say the two men used Jarrett’s card to pay for the drinks on Aug. 27, noting “they did not have Jarrett’s consent.”

Rubinson and Young then drove to another restaurant to hang out, Jarrett’s body slumped in the back along for the ride, police say.

They then returned to Jarrett’s home, carried him in and put him in bed, according to court papers.

From there, police say, Rubinson and Young went to get gas and made a stop at a burrito joint, again using Jarrett’s card. The two men then went to a strip club, where authorities say they used Jarrett’s card to take out $400 from an ATM and flagged down a police officer to tell him they thought their friend was dead. Police went to Jarrett’s home and found the body.

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The Muppets continue to be awesome

I see you there, undressing me with your eyes. Don't look at my face!

The newest trailer for the Muppet movie is an awesome parody of the trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Not only do they acknowledge this, they do it in the greatest way imaginable…with a pun!  This movie has more creativity in its trailer than Brett Ratner has in his entire catalogue (we get it dude, Asian people and Black people are different…but the same).  The fact that Jim Henson is dead, but the Kardashian sisters continue to roam the earth, proves that there is no God.  And if there is, he is either greedy (he forces Jim to perform personal puppet shows while Belushi does schtick in the background) or he feels nothing but disdain for the human race.  Either way here’s the trailer, unless God decides to take that too.  DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!!!!  TAKE THE TRAILER FOR THE FOOTLOOSE REMAKE INSTEAD (I apologize for all of the yelling, but this message has to make it up to cloud city.  Or to another plane of existence.  Or wherever the hell heaven is supposed to be).

More Muppet trailers after the jump.

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Van Damme and Norris sign on for Expendables 2! Viagra to be dispensed at the craft services table!

While researching the role (killing insurgents) he stumbled across Stallone's porn debut

The washed up Muscles from Brussels and the bearded, walking internet meme have signed on to join the cast of Expendables 2.  That previous sentence may have sounded snarky, but I love this news.  Van Damme showed surprising depth and self awareness in JCVD and Chuck Norris…well, he’s Chuck Norris.  Neither of these guys will need depth nor character development; as long as they can shoot down planes with rocket launchers and throat kick dirty immigrants (that’s who the Expendables fight right?), then they will fit right in.

IGN has the casting details.

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Seriously? Why?

I'm pretty pissed about the glasses, also the rape...the rape too

Rebooting/remaking a movie franchise is rarely ever ok.  Sometimes it’s necessary.  Sometimes when you need to air out the stench of Joel Schumacher’s bat nipples, its best just to blow it up and start from scratch.

One movie that isn’t ripe for remake is Sam Peckinpah’s uber-visceral Straw Dogs.  The story of a timid American man pushed too far (they raped his wife) by the locals of a small town in England.  By pushed too far, I mean kills the shit out of everyone who deemed it necessary to pick on the quiet guy with glasses (who probably enjoys puzzles).

Well they decided to remake it anyway, with James Marsden taking on the David Sumner role originated by Dustin Hoffman, quite the step down the pedigree ladder.  Don’t get me wrong, I dig Marsden as an actor, but those are some Shaquille O’Neal sized shoes to fill.  It would take two of his feet just to fill one of those shoes, or two of his feet and half a hand.  What were we talking about?  Oh right, shoes…I mean the unnecessary reimagining of Straw Dogs.  I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’d imagine it’s a beat for beat remake with better picture quality and a band of more handsome rapists.

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