20 Definitely true facts that are for sure, actually true…seriously.

In my 27 years on this spinning blue and green ball I’ve learned very few things.  Here they are.

*This is a work of fiction, only most of these facts are definitely true*

1. The death of Paul Newman signalled the end of the “Cool white guy”.  He was the last one.  White people will be lame from now on.

2. You can fit 9 baby Hippos in a 1978 VW microbus (10 if the back seats have been replaced with a waterbed).  Anything more is just plain greedy.

Real Weekend at Bernie’s less hilarious than expected

What a delightfully zany premise

There are very few movies more implausible than Weekend at Bernie’s.  Only movies where Nick Nolte is sober or Sharon Stone isn’t a prostitute seem more far fetched.  Well it turns out that Weekend at Bernie’s is very real, and a lot less hilarious than I’ve been led to believe.  Robert Young and Mark Rubinson of Denver decided that their buddy wasn’t too dead to party with, or at least not too dead to pay their tab (this is your fault Andrew McCarthy, you made “violating a corpse” seem delightfully zany).

Via The Associated Press

Young arrived at Jarrett’s home and found him unresponsive.

But rather than call the authorities, police say, Young went to find Rubinson.

The duo returned to Jarrett’s home and put his lifeless body into Rubinson’s SUV and headed to a nightspot where they spent more than an hour drinking — leaving Jarrett’s body in the vehicle, according to police documents. Police say the two men used Jarrett’s card to pay for the drinks on Aug. 27, noting “they did not have Jarrett’s consent.”

Rubinson and Young then drove to another restaurant to hang out, Jarrett’s body slumped in the back along for the ride, police say.

They then returned to Jarrett’s home, carried him in and put him in bed, according to court papers.

From there, police say, Rubinson and Young went to get gas and made a stop at a burrito joint, again using Jarrett’s card. The two men then went to a strip club, where authorities say they used Jarrett’s card to take out $400 from an ATM and flagged down a police officer to tell him they thought their friend was dead. Police went to Jarrett’s home and found the body.

The Muppets continue to be awesome

I see you there, undressing me with your eyes. Don't look at my face!

The newest trailer for the Muppet movie is an awesome parody of the trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Not only do they acknowledge this, they do it in the greatest way imaginable…with a pun!  This movie has more creativity in its trailer than Brett Ratner has in his entire catalogue (we get it dude, Asian people and Black people are different…but the same).  The fact that Jim Henson is dead, but the Kardashian sisters continue to roam the earth, proves that there is no God.  And if there is, he is either greedy (he forces Jim to perform personal puppet shows while Belushi does schtick in the background) or he feels nothing but disdain for the human race.  Either way here’s the trailer, unless God decides to take that too.  DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!!!!  TAKE THE TRAILER FOR THE FOOTLOOSE REMAKE INSTEAD (I apologize for all of the yelling, but this message has to make it up to cloud city.  Or to another plane of existence.  Or wherever the hell heaven is supposed to be).

More Muppet trailers after the jump.

Van Damme and Norris sign on for Expendables 2! Viagra to be dispensed at the craft services table!

While researching the role (killing insurgents) he stumbled across Stallone's porn debut

The washed up Muscles from Brussels and the bearded, walking internet meme have signed on to join the cast of Expendables 2.  That previous sentence may have sounded snarky, but I love this news.  Van Damme showed surprising depth and self awareness in JCVD and Chuck Norris…well, he’s Chuck Norris.  Neither of these guys will need depth nor character development; as long as they can shoot down planes with rocket launchers and throat kick dirty immigrants (that’s who the Expendables fight right?), then they will fit right in.

IGN has the casting details.

Finally, I can kick Dave Coulier in the Genitals

No, you cut it out. I'm talking about the molestation.

Like many kids born in the 80′s, I have always wanted to hit Dave Coulier in the genitals with a baseball bat.  It’s nothing personal.  For all I know, Dave Coulier is a class act.  A man of honour and substance.  None of this is relevant.  His character Joey Gladstone: the basement dwelling, (probably) pedophile uncle, always seemed creepy to me.  Using his cartoon impressions to lure unsuspecting kids down to his dungeon (is it taking it too far to call it a sex dungeon?).  Even just kicking him right in the “woodchuck” seems satisfying to me (equally satisfying: hitting Kimmy Gibbler with a series of cars).

Well (clearly psychotic) people like me can have their wish, a street fighter-esque game featuring the cast of Full House.  That’s right, Full House: Tournament Fighter.  If this was out I’d buy it in a heartbeat.  I would trade in everything I own, including my kidneys and three of my original teeth.  I would sell the rights to my life story to Michael Bay (it would be a 90 minute movie about a person writing or watching TV with needless and unexplained explosions).  Anything to get a crack at Uncle Joey, or to at least use the dog to maul one of the Olsen twins.

Think. Don’t Smoke. Be too cool for school.

Getting hammered is cool though

I’d like to think that I’m not a horrible person.  That I’m a gregarious young man, brimming with wit and an altruistic personality.  Truth is, I’m probably a pretty big jerk.  With the personality of a selfish, borderline sociopath.  How else could you explain that the television show that matches my comedic sensibilities is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?  The characters are selfish, deplorable and greedy.  They are also funny.  In celebration their return (the front of my pants is tightening just thinking about it), I present to you…Rob McElhenny’s anti-smoking commercial.  This is one of those commercials that you vaguely remember, especially since the kid is the personification of “too cool for school”.  Well that kid was Mac, so no doubt he was too cool for school or at least was the ultimate cooler.

Great Scott! Doc Brown shills Argentinian electronics! This is Heavy!

He just got back from his night gig as the Crypt keeper

Garbarino is a chain of electronic stores in Argentina and somehow (sacks of cash?  Brinks truck full of blow?) they were able to get Christopher Lloyd to reprise his role as Back to the Future’s Dr. Emmett Brown in a series of inventive (see what I did there?) ads.  Whoever is in charge of their marketing department is a genius and should be paid all of the world’s money, water supply and beautiful women.  Hell even give him the ugly, diseased, women too, he’s earned it.

Once we hit 88 miles an hour, you’re gonna see some shit…uhhh…I mean a couple more can be found after the jump.

Afternoon Linkage

Naked man found dead in in hot tub with TV weatherman after a gay S&M drug party – WarmingGlow

Presidential Snubs- Mental Floss

11 little known meanings behind company names- 11points.com

New Red Dead Redemption DLC…FOR FREE!  Yes and please- IGN

Nick Diaz no-shows UFC 137 press conference with Georges St. Pierre.  No surprises here- Bloodyelbow

Alastair Overeem to face Brock Lesnar in his UFC debut- Sherdog

A review of last night’s Sons of Anarchy season premiere (I have yet to watch)- Pajiba

Celebrities without eyebrows (makes me feel uncomfortable…not at all tingly in the pantaloons)- Uproxx

Speaking of tingly in the pantaloons, shoving live Lobsters down your pants is a sexual fetish I’m sure we can all get behind- AOL

“No child left behind” is getting ridiculous, stop blind passing the illiterate and let them learn at a slower pace- NYdailynews

That’s all the links for today folks, now let’s all enjoy this sketch from Mr. Show.

5 Things to do your first week of College

Some of you are 18 (I envy your youth) and if you were able to fill out your college applications right, without misspelling your name or listing your favourite vodkas in alphabetical order, chances are you ‘re heading to some sort of ivy covered institution this week (are ITT tech or the University of Phoenix online covered in ivy?  I guess you can drape ivy over your computer monitor).  As a grizzled (re: ugly) veteran of both the Canadian university and college systems I have created this list of five things you should do/keep in mind during your first week of unbridled freedom from the tyranny of those old people that let you live in their house.  They are called “parents” in some circles.

Some links to start your syllabus week

Willy Hitler opted for the full moustache

Hitler’s nephew was in the United States Navy (and other famous defectors) Mentalfloss

IGN’s Fall Television preview (My version “Reasons to keep breathing this fall” is coming this week) IGN

Pajiba’s list of the 7 best films of the summer Pajiba

Louis C.K.’s tribute to George Carlin  Warmingglow

Judo Chop- Step by step breakdown of Minotauro Nogueira’s stunning knock-out of Brendan Schaub  Bloodyelbow

Back to School: The best of the college freshman/woman memes  Freshwoman  Freshman

The first 4 minutes of the new Sons of Anarchy after the jump(New season starts tonight)