Category Archives: Movies

20 Definitely true facts that are for sure, actually true…seriously.

In my 27 years on this spinning blue and green ball I’ve learned very few things.  Here they are.

*This is a work of fiction, only most of these facts are definitely true*

1. The death of Paul Newman signalled the end of the “Cool white guy”.  He was the last one.  White people will be lame from now on.

2. You can fit 9 baby Hippos in a 1978 VW microbus (10 if the back seats have been replaced with a waterbed).  Anything more is just plain greedy.

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I Just Blue Myself

One of the greatest injustices of the past millennia was the mishandling and subsequent cancellation of Arrested Development.  That statement is ridiculously hyperbolic, but as a (stupid) man of principle, I’m just going to go ahead and stand by it.  Fox played musical chairs with the show’s timeslot—including at one point putting it up against Monday Night Football—and AD was never able to gain a foothold and find an audience.  Well Arrested Development fans, your prayers have been answered!  Assuming your daily prayer routine involved doing the chicken dance and screaming “There’s money in the banana stand” to the heavens, all while clutching Arrested Development and Teen Wolf Too DVDs (Jason Bateman’s true Magnum Opus).

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The Muppets continue to be awesome

I see you there, undressing me with your eyes. Don't look at my face!

The newest trailer for the Muppet movie is an awesome parody of the trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Not only do they acknowledge this, they do it in the greatest way imaginable…with a pun!  This movie has more creativity in its trailer than Brett Ratner has in his entire catalogue (we get it dude, Asian people and Black people are different…but the same).  The fact that Jim Henson is dead, but the Kardashian sisters continue to roam the earth, proves that there is no God.  And if there is, he is either greedy (he forces Jim to perform personal puppet shows while Belushi does schtick in the background) or he feels nothing but disdain for the human race.  Either way here’s the trailer, unless God decides to take that too.  DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!!!!  TAKE THE TRAILER FOR THE FOOTLOOSE REMAKE INSTEAD (I apologize for all of the yelling, but this message has to make it up to cloud city.  Or to another plane of existence.  Or wherever the hell heaven is supposed to be).

More Muppet trailers after the jump.

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Van Damme and Norris sign on for Expendables 2! Viagra to be dispensed at the craft services table!

While researching the role (killing insurgents) he stumbled across Stallone's porn debut

The washed up Muscles from Brussels and the bearded, walking internet meme have signed on to join the cast of Expendables 2.  That previous sentence may have sounded snarky, but I love this news.  Van Damme showed surprising depth and self awareness in JCVD and Chuck Norris…well, he’s Chuck Norris.  Neither of these guys will need depth nor character development; as long as they can shoot down planes with rocket launchers and throat kick dirty immigrants (that’s who the Expendables fight right?), then they will fit right in.

IGN has the casting details.

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Seriously? Why?

I'm pretty pissed about the glasses, also the rape...the rape too

Rebooting/remaking a movie franchise is rarely ever ok.  Sometimes it’s necessary.  Sometimes when you need to air out the stench of Joel Schumacher’s bat nipples, its best just to blow it up and start from scratch.

One movie that isn’t ripe for remake is Sam Peckinpah’s uber-visceral Straw Dogs.  The story of a timid American man pushed too far (they raped his wife) by the locals of a small town in England.  By pushed too far, I mean kills the shit out of everyone who deemed it necessary to pick on the quiet guy with glasses (who probably enjoys puzzles).

Well they decided to remake it anyway, with James Marsden taking on the David Sumner role originated by Dustin Hoffman, quite the step down the pedigree ladder.  Don’t get me wrong, I dig Marsden as an actor, but those are some Shaquille O’Neal sized shoes to fill.  It would take two of his feet just to fill one of those shoes, or two of his feet and half a hand.  What were we talking about?  Oh right, shoes…I mean the unnecessary reimagining of Straw Dogs.  I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’d imagine it’s a beat for beat remake with better picture quality and a band of more handsome rapists.

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Picking at the Carcass of a Giant

Not pictured: Angry mob clawing at the bargain bins

Traditional movie and videogame rental is dead.  The once powerful juggernauts Blockbuster and Rogers have crumbled under the weight of Netflix, Hulu and other on demand services.  This leaves corner convenience stores (with their suspect selection) as the last refuge for people who still want to physically rent their movies.  During the closing days of Blockbuster I have joined the rest of the vultures, picking at the carcass of the fallen beast.  That was supposed to be a relatively intelligent way of saying that I exploited their failure, buying up DVDs for a fraction of the original price.  I simply cannot be that elegant.  The following is the list of flicks I picked up, mostly of the documentary and foreign variety.  This is not because I’m pretentious (I have no dignity and I’m not important).  I enjoy commercial crap too.

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Time to hit the links (not a golf article)

Pop music Warlords Funky See, Funky Do.

A blog with daily Simpsons news and Quotes.  In other words, one of the greatest sites in existence-  Dead Homer Society

The top ten lost cities- Listverse

Who the heck are these guys: The Filmdrunk guide to Happy Madison- Filmdrunk

Mel Gibson to make a movie about Jewish hero Judah Maccabee.  Also rumoured, a movie about a pack of  Wild African American rapists- Screenjunkies

Five inexplicably horrifying Episodes of classic comedies- Cracked

The son of a millionaire wins 107 million dollar lottery.  That’s good too, he really needed the money- ABC News

Freakonomics: Find the hidden side of everything- Freakonomics

Listen to Sherdog’s radio roundtable discussion on the Strikeforce heavyweight tournament Semi-finals- Sherdog

Diaz is out against GSP, will replace Condit against Penn further down on the same card- Bloodyelbow

Shameless Plug time, follow my sexy sexploits…or just regular exploits on twitter

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Are Hover-boards Next?

Power Laces! The future sure is heavy!

With all of the recent posts, it would seem that this is an exclusive Back to the Future website.  I assure you I have other interests, but I admit that I will post pretty much anything related to that flick.  If Billy Zane and Casey Siemaszko are caught sharing a romantic milkshake in a filthy bathroom stall of a truck-stop in Gary Indiana, you better believe I’m putting words to paper about it.

Back II was my favourite of the trilogy because it showed me a future of: hover-boards, flying cars, rehydrated pizza that didn’t look like a cardboard wheel of garbage, self drying jackets with soothing robot voices, and radical shoes with power laces.

That last one; the radical shoes with power laces, could be a reality soon.  Nike has released this teaser called “McFly’s Closet”.

If this is real, I would kill everyone in this room just to have them.  Unfortunately I’m the only one in this room, (god I’m alone) so I better not do that.  But I’d definitely pay full price for them.

The year 2015 is coming fast; the self tying laces may be here, where’s my damn hover-board?

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Great Scott! Doc Brown shills Argentinian electronics! This is Heavy!

He just got back from his night gig as the Crypt keeper

Garbarino is a chain of electronic stores in Argentina and somehow (sacks of cash?  Brinks truck full of blow?) they were able to get Christopher Lloyd to reprise his role as Back to the Future’s Dr. Emmett Brown in a series of inventive (see what I did there?) ads.  Whoever is in charge of their marketing department is a genius and should be paid all of the world’s money, water supply and beautiful women.  Hell even give him the ugly, diseased, women too, he’s earned it.

Once we hit 88 miles an hour, you’re gonna see some shit…uhhh…I mean a couple more can be found after the jump.

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Afternoon Linkage

Naked man found dead in in hot tub with TV weatherman after a gay S&M drug party – WarmingGlow

Presidential Snubs- Mental Floss

11 little known meanings behind company names- 11points.com

New Red Dead Redemption DLC…FOR FREE!  Yes and please- IGN

Nick Diaz no-shows UFC 137 press conference with Georges St. Pierre.  No surprises here- Bloodyelbow

Alastair Overeem to face Brock Lesnar in his UFC debut- Sherdog

A review of last night’s Sons of Anarchy season premiere (I have yet to watch)- Pajiba

Celebrities without eyebrows (makes me feel uncomfortable…not at all tingly in the pantaloons)- Uproxx

Speaking of tingly in the pantaloons, shoving live Lobsters down your pants is a sexual fetish I’m sure we can all get behind- AOL

“No child left behind” is getting ridiculous, stop blind passing the illiterate and let them learn at a slower pace- NYdailynews

That’s all the links for today folks, now let’s all enjoy this sketch from Mr. Show.

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