In my 27 years on this spinning blue and green ball I’ve learned very few things.  Here they are.

*This is a work of fiction, only most of these facts are definitely true*

1. The death of Paul Newman signalled the end of the “Cool white guy”.  He was the last one.  White people will be lame from now on.

2. You can fit 9 baby Hippos in a 1978 VW microbus (10 if the back seats have been replaced with a waterbed).  Anything more is just plain greedy.

3. Some people have a disease where when they want to fart they shit, and when they need to shit they just fart.  Never both at the same time, this is called Dustin McPhedran syndrome.

McFly sure was a Bojo

4. Back to the Future Part II is the greatest film ever committed to celluloid.

5. 78% of people polled still thought that Rosie O’Donnell was a woman.

6. The other 22% accurately believed she (he?) had three penises.

Greenland's greatest linguist

7. Freestyle rap is the official language of Greenland.

8. Until now, no human being has ever uttered the phrase “According to Jim was my favourite television show ever”

Nightmare fuel

9. 3 people have uttered the phrase “The George Lopez show is my favourite television show ever” they were immediately executed (convicted rapists).

10. Break-dancing kills more people in the United States than shark attacks (with 5 times as many bite related injuries).

11. Action movies that use the cliché line “Shit just got real” usually use it when things get decidedly ridiculous, no one ever says “Shit continues to be real”  or “shit just got decidedly more ridiculous than before, this can’t possibly be real”.

Those things are not kosher

12. Elvis Presley’s famous mutton chop sideburns are actually made out of pork.

13. Shaquille O’Neal is actually a midget.  He wears lifts and cameras always film him from low angles.

14. M.C. Hammer is the only human being who has been deemed “too legitimate to cease his current vocation”.

15. The pause screen music from Battletoads is the greatest dance track ever recorded.

16. Before the popularity of home delivery and the advent of newsstands, headlines never sold “papes”.  Newsies were the ones responsible for selling all of the “papes”.

17. In 1987 it became illegal to get a monkey high on whippets and cough medicine and let him run amok in a crowded day care centre.

18. In 1989 that law was deemed unconstitutional.

19. It is never in good taste to tell a rape joke in the middle of a job interview.  Unless you’re applying to be an accountant with NAMBLA or to be the assistant to Billy Carter (dude loves unwanted sex jokes).

Not Pictured: The real me

20. I am the worlds greatest man

When Gray Maynard clipped Frankie Edgar in round one of their UFC 136 bout, I had a feeling of déjà vu wash over me.  No it wasn’t just the feeling of an overstuffed stomach engorged with ham and turkey from the thanksgiving feast I enjoyed earlier, this was a movie I had seen before.  The second bout of their trilogy had started the same way, with Maynard clubbing Edgar in round one and the champion having to hold on for dear life in hopes of clearing the cobwebs between rounds.  In the first fight Maynard had gassed himself out going for the finish and Edgar got on his bike and used precise footwork to hit and run his way to a draw (a fight I thought Edgar won).  Edgar had shown great heart, gutting out that first round and leaving Las Vegas with his title.

So when Maynard had Edgar in trouble this time, he didn’t repeat the mistakes he made in their second tangle.  He paced himself and picked his shots, but couldn’t put the plucky champion away.  Still, he dominated with a clear 10-8 round (although strangely 2 judges only gave him a 10-9 advantage), and he seemed the fresher of the two fighters.  Edgar was in trouble, and Maynard had it all figured out.  Didn’t he?   Round 2 was rather bizarre with Maynard seemingly only looking for a big uppercut, and Edgar content with dancing in and out landing crisp boxing while recovering from the previous round’s beating.  Maynard had given the round away, Edgar’s confidence was growing.  Round 3 was all Edgar as he dominated with superior footwork and short, fast combinations.  Maynard couldn’t touch him with his slower, one power shot at a time approach.  Also his wrestling, possibly the best in the division, was nullified by Edgars speed and footwork.

It was after round 3 when I realised that Maynard’s tools had never meshed.  Maynard has powerful boxing and top shelf wrestling but he can’t ever seem to put them together, he either uses one or the other.  He doesn’t seem to possess the ability to make a transition from boxer to wrestler mid bout.  He never uses his hands to get in close and then snap off a powerful double leg.  He is either a power wrestler or a power boxer.

Round 4 starts the same way as round 3– with Edgar putting on a boxing clinic and mixing in some leg kicks–but never really totally putting the stamp on Maynard,  finally Maynard goes for a single leg but Edgar easily slips out and lands a short uppercut.  THE UPPERCUT STUNS MAYNARD!  Edgar hammers him with another right staggering him into the cage.  Another big (laser guided) right puts Maynard face down on the canvass, and Edgar follows it up with a flurry of lefts to the side of his head.  The ref had seen enough and steps in before Maynard can get full on “Crosby’d”.  Edgar had snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, rarely has an athlete shown so much perseverance in the face of failure.

The internet is lousy with articles claiming Edgar to be “The real life Rocky”, this is patently false.  Rocky was a punching bag that survived on heart and power alone.  Frankie is a highly skilled fighter who happens to have a ton of heart and an uncanny ability to survive where lesser men would wilt.  Frankie is no Rocky, Frankie got increasingly better with each sequel.

Rocky V + Rocky II= Rocky VII Adrian's Revenge! Also, Does Tommy Morrison still have aids?

One of the greatest injustices of the past millennia was the mishandling and subsequent cancellation of Arrested Development.  That statement is ridiculously hyperbolic, but as a (stupid) man of principle, I’m just going to go ahead and stand by it.  Fox played musical chairs with the show’s timeslot—including at one point putting it up against Monday Night Football—and AD was never able to gain a foothold and find an audience.  Well Arrested Development fans, your prayers have been answered!  Assuming your daily prayer routine involved doing the chicken dance and screaming “There’s money in the banana stand” to the heavens, all while clutching Arrested Development and Teen Wolf Too DVDs (Jason Bateman’s true Magnum Opus).

Via IGN

The discussion took place at The New Yorker Festival, and based off Huwitz’s comments on stage, the official New Yorker Twitter feed, wrote, “Arrested Development coming back for one more TV season before movie.” New York Times reporter Dave Itzkoff was also in attendance at the Q&A and tweeted, “Mitch Hurwitz says he plans limited Arrested Development series (9-10 eps, 1 character per ep) that would lead into movie.”

Deadline now has some potential answers to where this “I can’t believe we’re actually talking about this” Season 4 of Arrested Development could air. It seems 20th Century Fox TV, who co-produced the series with Imagine, have been in talks with both Netflix (who have been moving into original programming) and Showtime, as possible homes for the 9-10 episode run.

Some of the original cast have tweeted about this too.

@batemanjason- It’s true.  We will do 10 episodes and the movie.  Probably shoot them all together next summer for a release in early ’13. VERY excited!

@arnettwill- I’m peeing with @batemanjason at the moment..and we can confirm that we are going to make new AD eps and a movie.

I don’t think it’s entirely inappropriate that I’m sexually aroused by this news…and I swear that it has nothing to do with the peeing.

He's a Teen Wolf, also

It has taken a day and a half to recover from the swan song of Major League Baseball‘s regular season, and I pity those of you who dared watch anything else on Wednesday night.  Real life drama will always trump scripted drama, and that night provided more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie marathon.  Also these twists didn’t suck entirely like every Shyamalan flick post Sixth Sense (I guess they sucked if you were from “Bahston”).

Going into the night, the Boston Red Sox and the Tampa Bay Rays were tied for the AL wildcard spot.  The Red Sox had been 9 games up on Tampa coming into September and a loss tonight (with a Rays win) would spell the largest collapse in Major League Baseball history.  Tampa was playing the first place New York Yankees while the Red Sox were matched up with perennial basement dwellers, the (lowly) Baltimore Orioles.  The Yankees roared out to a quick 7-0 lead powered by 2 home runs (one of which was a grand slam) by Mark Teixeira off Rays ace David Price.  At the same time, the Red Sox had scratched out a late 3-2 lead over the Orioles, sparked by a solo jack from former MVP Dustin Pedroia.

In the 8^th inning the Rays remembered there was baseball today and roared back into the game with 6 runs including a 3 run dinger from 3^rd baseman Evan Longoria.  In the bottom of the 9^th, Pinch hitter Dan Johnson deposited a 2-2 pitch into the seats to force extra innings.  They were one strike away from losing their season, Johnson had given them hope.

While the Rays had clawed their way back, the Red Sox were mired in a rain delay, clinging to a one run lead.  The Bottom of the ninth started with Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon mowing down the first 2 batters he faced before giving up a two strike double to Chris Davis followed by a game tying double to Nolan Reimold.  Papelbon had blown the save; it was now time to concentrate on not blowing the season.  The next batter—Robert Andino—hit a flare towards Left fielder Carl Crawford.  Before the season, Crawford had spurned the Rays in order to sign a lucrative deal with the Red Sox.  The deal all but came with a giant Scrooge McDuck sized vault that Crawford would use for the purposes of swimming, or at least lounging on an inflatable dollar sign.  Crawford slid but could not come up with the baseball (a catch an all-star has to make) and Reimold scored from 2^nd.  The Orioles (probably insulted that everyone kept calling the “lowly”) played the ultimate spoiler.  The Red Sox season was in jeopardy.  Sweat started pouring from the brows of every Red Sox fan in Patrick Ewing-esque fashion.

Mere minutes after the Red Sox loss, Evan Longoria stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the 12^th and laced a walk off shot to clinch the American League Wild Card spot, the impossible had become possible.  Boston was out, Tampa was in.

That night provided more drama than any sports movie ever produced by Hollywood, and should help eliminate the “boring” stigma that plagues baseball with the casual sports fan.  No screenwriter could ever produce something so perfect, so dramatic.  If you didn’t enjoy the last night of the regular season, you have no soul (Or are from the greater Boston area…or from Atlanta I suppose).

*The Atlanta Braves and St. Louis Cardinals came into the final game tied for a playoff spot too, but their games did not feature near the theatrics of the Red Sox/Rays battle.*

*Also Dan Johnson’s tying home run totally hit a fan in the groin*

Artists rendition of Carl Crawford at home

Kenny Brokelstien

Despite my rugged handsomeness, I don’t have many loves in my life.  Maybe my manliness intimidates women, or maybe they’re mistaking my “rugged handsomeness” for “misshapen ugliness”.  The point is– other than my immediate family and some close friends– the only constant love I’ve had in my life is The Simpsons.  I’m strangely comfortable with this.  78% of my language is cobbled together using Simpsons references (the other 22% is recreating the Sanford & Son theme using mouth noises and under-seen Mr. Show sketches).  My lifelong dream will always involve writing for The Simpsons.  I would even settle for sitting in the writers room in quiet awe while they dictate their lunch orders to me.   So you would have to believe the front of my pants would tighten when a friend sent me a link to the most beautiful story ever written.  Was it the Bible?  Everybody poops?  Breakfast of Champions?  Carrot Top’s Junk in the Trunk?  Katherine Hepburn’s Me?

NOPE!

Via Huffington Post

As the hit series “The Simpsons” approaches its 500th episode, executives over at Fox have been toying with the idea of creating a 24-hour channel solely dedicated to America’s favorite dysfunctional nuclear family.

Chase Carey, News Corp’s chief operating officer, first hinted at the possible scheme at a media conference in L.A. last week, the Los Angeles Timesreports.

As the show prepares for its 23rd season, Carey said it has no plans to slow down.

But he didn’t stop there. According to Forbes, at another conference in New York later that week, Carey emphasized how the show’s unique brand presents a huge opportunity if they are to capitalize on the program’s full library.

“The point I was making, which I will reemphasize, is that this is a unique franchise…and it provides us a unique opportunity to do some interesting things with it,” he said. “The Simpsons” has been on the air for 23 seasons, yielding a library of programming few series could ever amass.

For those die-hard Simpsons fans out there, don’t get too excited. Even if Fox could pull off a channel only devoted to the iconic show, Carey noted that syndication agreements already in place would prevent it from happening in the next 12 months.

This will be playing on my TV constantly, there will be no reason to own a remote…that channel will never change.  I might even have to buy a “dedicated Simpsons” TV.  Please Jeebus, please let this happen.

If this happens, my son will also be named Bort

A joke so funny, your pants will fill with urine...tinged with blood

Community is essentially the only reason Channel 4 exists on my television.  I guess this is also true for 714, Channel 4’s beautiful, (albeit a little slutty) high definition sister.  It is the only show I make a point of watching during its intended timeslot.  The reason is simple, it makes me happy.  Pathetic?  Maybe, but it’s the most well rounded show on TV today.  It carries the torch lit by early seasons of The Simpsons.  It is a show that can be both zany and grounded in the same scene, with three dimensional characters, not just joke machines spewing set-ups and punch lines at an alarming rate.  Unafraid to take risks and try new ways to tell stories (covering un-treaded ground, who knew that an episode where the characters sit in a room and play dungeons and dragons could be so epic?), Community avoids spiralling into the formulaic, something that bogs down essentially every other show on network television.

Season3 debuts tomorrow and you would be doing yourself a solid if you sat down and gave it a chance.  Even if you don’t watch right away, fire up your PVR and catch up on the first two seasons on DVD or Netflix.  I don’t want to live in a world where According to Jim lasts the better part of a decade, Two and a Half Men can be the highest rated comedy on television and Donald Glover isn’t the biggest star on the planet.

I won’t go any deeper into character or story arcs; this is something you’ll need to discover on your own.  You know what they say, give a man some money and he’ll buy a prostitute.  Teach a man to be a prostitute and he’ll most likely get aids.  Wait…is that really what they say?  That doesn’t seem right to me.

*By the way, Channel 4 is NBC.  You know, in case you don’t live in South-western Ontario*

What a delightfully zany premise

There are very few movies more implausible than Weekend at Bernie’s.  Only movies where Nick Nolte is sober or Sharon Stone isn’t a prostitute seem more far fetched.  Well it turns out that Weekend at Bernie’s is very real, and a lot less hilarious than I’ve been led to believe.  Robert Young and Mark Rubinson of Denver decided that their buddy wasn’t too dead to party with, or at least not too dead to pay their tab (this is your fault Andrew McCarthy, you made “violating a corpse” seem delightfully zany).

Via The Associated Press

Young arrived at Jarrett’s home and found him unresponsive.

But rather than call the authorities, police say, Young went to find Rubinson.

The duo returned to Jarrett’s home and put his lifeless body into Rubinson’s SUV and headed to a nightspot where they spent more than an hour drinking — leaving Jarrett’s body in the vehicle, according to police documents. Police say the two men used Jarrett’s card to pay for the drinks on Aug. 27, noting “they did not have Jarrett’s consent.”

Rubinson and Young then drove to another restaurant to hang out, Jarrett’s body slumped in the back along for the ride, police say.

They then returned to Jarrett’s home, carried him in and put him in bed, according to court papers.

From there, police say, Rubinson and Young went to get gas and made a stop at a burrito joint, again using Jarrett’s card. The two men then went to a strip club, where authorities say they used Jarrett’s card to take out $400 from an ATM and flagged down a police officer to tell him they thought their friend was dead. Police went to Jarrett’s home and found the body.

I think it showed class and restraint not to bring a dead body into the strip club.  It’s nice that they drew the line there.  If it were me I would have dumped him in perv row and claimed that he had died of erotically natural causes.  By then rigor mortis would have kicked in and all the strippers would have thought they were just extra good at their jobs.

Young and Rubinson, less of a McCarthy vibe, more of a rapey Spader vibe

I see you there, undressing me with your eyes. Don't look at my face!

The newest trailer for the Muppet movie is an awesome parody of the trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Not only do they acknowledge this, they do it in the greatest way imaginable…with a pun!  This movie has more creativity in its trailer than Brett Ratner has in his entire catalogue (we get it dude, Asian people and Black people are different…but the same).  The fact that Jim Henson is dead, but the Kardashian sisters continue to roam the earth, proves that there is no God.  And if there is, he is either greedy (he forces Jim to perform personal puppet shows while Belushi does schtick in the background) or he feels nothing but disdain for the human race.  Either way here’s the trailer, unless God decides to take that too.  DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!!!!  TAKE THE TRAILER FOR THE FOOTLOOSE REMAKE INSTEAD (I apologize for all of the yelling, but this message has to make it up to cloud city.  Or to another plane of existence.  Or wherever the hell heaven is supposed to be).

More Muppet trailers after the jump.

While researching the role (killing insurgents) he stumbled across Stallone's porn debut

The washed up Muscles from Brussels and the bearded, walking internet meme have signed on to join the cast of Expendables 2.  That previous sentence may have sounded snarky, but I love this news.  Van Damme showed surprising depth and self awareness in JCVD and Chuck Norris…well, he’s Chuck Norris.  Neither of these guys will need depth nor character development; as long as they can shoot down planes with rocket launchers and throat kick dirty immigrants (that’s who the Expendables fight right?), then they will fit right in.

IGN has the casting details.

Although he’s passed off the director’s torch to Simon West,Sylvester Stallone is still mulling over potential cast members for his upcoming action sequel, The Expendables 2. Along with beefier parts for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, the Italian Stallion is dropping hints at even more broskimos to join the mayhem.

EW.com is now reporting that Jean-Claude Van Damme andChuck Norris are confirmed for the film, which will be shooting at the end of this month in Bulgaria. And with a little wishful thinking,John Travolta and Nic Cage may also be added to that mix.

“We’ll have a big showdown between me and Van Damme, which has been anticipated for a long time, so it should be a good one,” said Stallone, adding, “We’ve got Chuck Norris and I think Nic Cage… We’re trying to work out different scenarios. I like using people that had a moment and then maybe have fallen on some hard times and give them another shot.”

Regarding Travolta’s involvement, Stallone noted, “It’s possible. The one thing I’ve learned is what is a fact on Monday is a complete fallacy on Tuesday. A lot of it is scheduling. It’s not financial. It’s just that Bulgaria is definitely a jaunt. It’s a commitment, you know what I mean? Especially in the dead of winter.”

The Expendables 2 is currently aiming for an August 2012 release

This movie sounds about 30 years too late.  That said, I’m still going to watch it.  I am one of the masses who always demanded a fight between Stallone and Van Damme…wait…I’m not?  No one was ever clamouring for this?  Still, this will be an epic action flick where you can turn your brain off and watch aging action heroes compare neck snapping techniques.

If its ok with you, I’m just going to go home.  Televisions on tonight, and I have anything else to do.

I'm pretty pissed about the glasses, also the rape...the rape too

Rebooting/remaking a movie franchise is rarely ever ok.  Sometimes it’s necessary.  Sometimes when you need to air out the stench of Joel Schumacher’s bat nipples, its best just to blow it up and start from scratch.

One movie that isn’t ripe for remake is Sam Peckinpah’s uber-visceral Straw Dogs.  The story of a timid American man pushed too far (they raped his wife) by the locals of a small town in England.  By pushed too far, I mean kills the shit out of everyone who deemed it necessary to pick on the quiet guy with glasses (who probably enjoys puzzles).

Well they decided to remake it anyway, with James Marsden taking on the David Sumner role originated by Dustin Hoffman, quite the step down the pedigree ladder.  Don’t get me wrong, I dig Marsden as an actor, but those are some Shaquille O’Neal sized shoes to fill.  It would take two of his feet just to fill one of those shoes, or two of his feet and half a hand.  What were we talking about?  Oh right, shoes…I mean the unnecessary reimagining of Straw Dogs.  I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’d imagine it’s a beat for beat remake with better picture quality and a band of more handsome rapists.

Hollywood is bereft of ideas and is chomping at the bit to remake any viable property they can get their mitts on (Tony Scott is set to ruin The Warriors for everyone).  So please, don’t go see this movie, or any remake that looks half baked or unnecessary.  Go to the video store–if they still exist by the time I end this sentence– and check out the original.  Then–if you feel as though it could use a fresh coat of paint and a prettier cast—go see the remake.