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Real Weekend at Bernie’s less hilarious than expected

What a delightfully zany premise

There are very few movies more implausible than Weekend at Bernie’s.  Only movies where Nick Nolte is sober or Sharon Stone isn’t a prostitute seem more far fetched.  Well it turns out that Weekend at Bernie’s is very real, and a lot less hilarious than I’ve been led to believe.  Robert Young and Mark Rubinson of Denver decided that their buddy wasn’t too dead to party with, or at least not too dead to pay their tab (this is your fault Andrew McCarthy, you made “violating a corpse” seem delightfully zany).

Via The Associated Press

Young arrived at Jarrett’s home and found him unresponsive.

But rather than call the authorities, police say, Young went to find Rubinson.

The duo returned to Jarrett’s home and put his lifeless body into Rubinson’s SUV and headed to a nightspot where they spent more than an hour drinking — leaving Jarrett’s body in the vehicle, according to police documents. Police say the two men used Jarrett’s card to pay for the drinks on Aug. 27, noting “they did not have Jarrett’s consent.”

Rubinson and Young then drove to another restaurant to hang out, Jarrett’s body slumped in the back along for the ride, police say.

They then returned to Jarrett’s home, carried him in and put him in bed, according to court papers.

From there, police say, Rubinson and Young went to get gas and made a stop at a burrito joint, again using Jarrett’s card. The two men then went to a strip club, where authorities say they used Jarrett’s card to take out $400 from an ATM and flagged down a police officer to tell him they thought their friend was dead. Police went to Jarrett’s home and found the body.

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The Muppets continue to be awesome

I see you there, undressing me with your eyes. Don't look at my face!

The newest trailer for the Muppet movie is an awesome parody of the trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Not only do they acknowledge this, they do it in the greatest way imaginable…with a pun!  This movie has more creativity in its trailer than Brett Ratner has in his entire catalogue (we get it dude, Asian people and Black people are different…but the same).  The fact that Jim Henson is dead, but the Kardashian sisters continue to roam the earth, proves that there is no God.  And if there is, he is either greedy (he forces Jim to perform personal puppet shows while Belushi does schtick in the background) or he feels nothing but disdain for the human race.  Either way here’s the trailer, unless God decides to take that too.  DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!!!!  TAKE THE TRAILER FOR THE FOOTLOOSE REMAKE INSTEAD (I apologize for all of the yelling, but this message has to make it up to cloud city.  Or to another plane of existence.  Or wherever the hell heaven is supposed to be).

More Muppet trailers after the jump.

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Van Damme and Norris sign on for Expendables 2! Viagra to be dispensed at the craft services table!

While researching the role (killing insurgents) he stumbled across Stallone's porn debut

The washed up Muscles from Brussels and the bearded, walking internet meme have signed on to join the cast of Expendables 2.  That previous sentence may have sounded snarky, but I love this news.  Van Damme showed surprising depth and self awareness in JCVD and Chuck Norris…well, he’s Chuck Norris.  Neither of these guys will need depth nor character development; as long as they can shoot down planes with rocket launchers and throat kick dirty immigrants (that’s who the Expendables fight right?), then they will fit right in.

IGN has the casting details.

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Seriously? Why?

I'm pretty pissed about the glasses, also the rape...the rape too

Rebooting/remaking a movie franchise is rarely ever ok.  Sometimes it’s necessary.  Sometimes when you need to air out the stench of Joel Schumacher’s bat nipples, its best just to blow it up and start from scratch.

One movie that isn’t ripe for remake is Sam Peckinpah’s uber-visceral Straw Dogs.  The story of a timid American man pushed too far (they raped his wife) by the locals of a small town in England.  By pushed too far, I mean kills the shit out of everyone who deemed it necessary to pick on the quiet guy with glasses (who probably enjoys puzzles).

Well they decided to remake it anyway, with James Marsden taking on the David Sumner role originated by Dustin Hoffman, quite the step down the pedigree ladder.  Don’t get me wrong, I dig Marsden as an actor, but those are some Shaquille O’Neal sized shoes to fill.  It would take two of his feet just to fill one of those shoes, or two of his feet and half a hand.  What were we talking about?  Oh right, shoes…I mean the unnecessary reimagining of Straw Dogs.  I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’d imagine it’s a beat for beat remake with better picture quality and a band of more handsome rapists.

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Picking at the Carcass of a Giant

Not pictured: Angry mob clawing at the bargain bins

Traditional movie and videogame rental is dead.  The once powerful juggernauts Blockbuster and Rogers have crumbled under the weight of Netflix, Hulu and other on demand services.  This leaves corner convenience stores (with their suspect selection) as the last refuge for people who still want to physically rent their movies.  During the closing days of Blockbuster I have joined the rest of the vultures, picking at the carcass of the fallen beast.  That was supposed to be a relatively intelligent way of saying that I exploited their failure, buying up DVDs for a fraction of the original price.  I simply cannot be that elegant.  The following is the list of flicks I picked up, mostly of the documentary and foreign variety.  This is not because I’m pretentious (I have no dignity and I’m not important).  I enjoy commercial crap too.

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Great Scott! Doc Brown shills Argentinian electronics! This is Heavy!

He just got back from his night gig as the Crypt keeper

Garbarino is a chain of electronic stores in Argentina and somehow (sacks of cash?  Brinks truck full of blow?) they were able to get Christopher Lloyd to reprise his role as Back to the Future’s Dr. Emmett Brown in a series of inventive (see what I did there?) ads.  Whoever is in charge of their marketing department is a genius and should be paid all of the world’s money, water supply and beautiful women.  Hell even give him the ugly, diseased, women too, he’s earned it.

Once we hit 88 miles an hour, you’re gonna see some shit…uhhh…I mean a couple more can be found after the jump.

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Afternoon Linkage

Naked man found dead in in hot tub with TV weatherman after a gay S&M drug party – WarmingGlow

Presidential Snubs- Mental Floss

11 little known meanings behind company names- 11points.com

New Red Dead Redemption DLC…FOR FREE!  Yes and please- IGN

Nick Diaz no-shows UFC 137 press conference with Georges St. Pierre.  No surprises here- Bloodyelbow

Alastair Overeem to face Brock Lesnar in his UFC debut- Sherdog

A review of last night’s Sons of Anarchy season premiere (I have yet to watch)- Pajiba

Celebrities without eyebrows (makes me feel uncomfortable…not at all tingly in the pantaloons)- Uproxx

Speaking of tingly in the pantaloons, shoving live Lobsters down your pants is a sexual fetish I’m sure we can all get behind- AOL

“No child left behind” is getting ridiculous, stop blind passing the illiterate and let them learn at a slower pace- NYdailynews

That’s all the links for today folks, now let’s all enjoy this sketch from Mr. Show.

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Great Scott! Crazy Old Man Hangs with Teen: No Sex Involved…Also Time Travelling

If you were holding a gun to my head (which would be unappreciated and downright rude) and demanded that I reveal to you my favourite movie of all time, after I splashed around in a puddle of my own tears and urine for about ten minutes, I would tell you that it was Back to The Future Part II.

I love this movie more than any other.  Maybe it was the promise of a hoverboard by the year 2015, the self tying laces or the fact that I could wear a colander on my head and still be fashionable without being thrown in the monkey house (again).

One of the things that was strange and never explained was how an eccentric, crackpot scientist could become friends with a young guitar god who gets to have sex on the regular with the foxy Elizabeth Shue.

Well we finally have an answer, the people at Mentalfloss (an awesome website by the way) have gotten the info straight from the horse’s mouth (he refers to himself as a horse).  That horse being co-writer/creator Bob Gale (I’m still skeptical of his status as a horse, or possibly some sort of zebra).

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Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta!

The internet is lousy with lists trumpeting the personal tastes of writers all over the world.  I am one of those writers, cramming my opinions down your throat in a vain attempt to justify my existence and prove my “superior” tastes.  If there’s one thing I think I have decent taste in, it’s movies.  I’ve seen plenty in my day, but I definitely wouldn’t call myself a movie snob.  No man who has seen Jason Bateman’s magnum opus “Teen Wolf Too” multiple times could ever claim to be a cinema snob.  Quite the contrary, I dig flicks enough to give almost anything at least one viewing.  One of my favourite film genres is the gangster movie; some of the greatest stories ever committed to celluloid have been about the criminal underworld.  The following list is my top five favourite gangster/crime films of all time.  This list is in no way definitive, so please don’t attack me by saying “Hey jerk, where’s New Jack City?” or “Dumbass, you forgot Menace to Society.  Maybe you should swallow some bullets out of a gun”.  Instead of strangely violent attacks on my ability to put together an unimportant list, just let me know in the comments what movies you would have chosen.

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