The Five Steps in Becoming a Crazy Recluse

Hide and Seek Champion

Are you tired of the soul crushing reality that is interacting with society at large? Would you rather just sink into the abyss that is loneliness and habitual Cheeto binges? Is your hero J.D. Salinger (R.I.P.), and not for the fact that he is a great writer, but because of his herculean efforts in staying out of the public eye? Follow these easy steps and you will be toiling in your own loneliness and self despair in no time! (The internet doesn’t count; it may be the 3rd lowest form of social interaction behind text messaging and sexy chats with 1-900 numbers… I still can’t believe Peppermint blocked my number)

1. Before you hide, let your hygiene slide

Become as dirty as a French-man

You want to make sure that when you disappear, you won’t be missed and the first step in making you a social pariah is to make it impossible for people to be around you. The easiest way is to simply let yourself go. Let your hair and beard grow long and unkempt, make sure no soaps or shampoos (and god forbid a mango infused body wash) come in contact with your greasy and matted follicles (bonus points if you find an entire meal of food in your beard). Your finger and toe nails should resemble Fritos, long, yellow, curling, maybe even a bit too salty for their own good. Swear off deodorant and toothpaste, it’s no good to you where you’re going…the basement, where the putrid smell of old hot dogs and gingivitis will eventually just blend in with the musty surroundings. Finally, don’t wipe…you know exactly what that means.

2. Grow Increasingly Paranoid

Get Out of my dreams and into...onto my moped?

Remember the old maxim “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you”? Well guess what, they are out to get you, they may even be out to kill you! Well…maybe they aren’t…but MAYBE THEY ARE!!! The point is, growing weary of everyone’s motivations, no matter how innocuous seeming, is a great way to start isolating yourself from others. First, start believing every crack-pot conspiracy theory being fed down your gullet. Did Hitler travel forward in time to assassinate JFK in that Dallas motorcade? He did now! Did Abe Lincoln share a similar time travelling experience in order to silence John Lennon? Of course he did. Your next step is to fashion a custom made hat out of tinfoil, you have no idea who is trying to read your thoughts. Do you want the government to learn of your plans to throw Easter painted ostrich eggs at Obama? Do you want Michael Bay to find out about your concept of a remake of the Golden Girls as an explosion filled sexy romp starring Megan Fox as Blanche? Are you comfortable sharing your recipe for candy corn cola with extra terrestrials? You don’t wear that little tinfoil hat, all of these plans will be liberated from your brain area. Once you’ve fallen this far into paranoia the public at large will have no difficulty in forgetting your existence, in fact they will actively avoid you at all costs.

3. Start to pull away

You have to zing them like you were Don Rickles

Now is the time to start systematically destroying all the relationships you still have after you’ve gone batshit insane, and have started to smell like hot garbage. Now since there are some unfortunate cats still around after all of this, it may take extra measures to get them to leave you alone. Start by ditching your cell phone, home phone, email address and whatever online social network profile you may have (I’m looking at you facebook, you jerk). If these folks still find a way to contact you, never return their messages and if they become too persistent you have to bust out the big guns. You have to leave the house to do this, but you must hurl creative and hurtful insults at them until they are unable to look you in the eye, this should effectively eliminate the clingers. Be careful who you do this with though, if the cave you inhabit is located in a basement owned by your mother, it is best not cause irreparable damage to that relationship. You call her a “Smelly sweat bag” and she throws you out…you are now exposed to the open word, that’s the opposite of what you want. Also don’t get rid of the internet, interaction with other filthy crazies will only fuel your fear of the outside world.

4. Separate yourself from the outside world entirely

Not Pictured: Howard Hughes, or the jars of urine

This step is pretty basic, just make sure you refine your skills from steps 1-3. Take these preceding tips to an ultimate level. Master the fine art of slovenly behaviour while growing a beard that would make Grizzly Adams green with envy. Research every conspiracy theory you have ever heard of and believe it as if it were gospel. Go out of your way to insult your friends and acquaintances in ways that cut to the core. Every delightfully hurtful zinger contains a nugget of truth, exploit that. Rid yourself of any ways or devices that may allow people who know you to have access to your life. You must perfect all these things. Being a lazy amateur escapist isn’t enough, you have to go pro with this one.

5. Play World of Warcraft


I know this is lazy writing (hey I’m a lazy cat) but we all know effect World of Warcraft has on your non cyber social life.  There have been dozens of articles, news stories and even documentaries made discussing said subject.  If that  game doesn’t separate you from the everyday society, nothing will. I know what you’re all saying (while stuffing your face-hole with a choc-o-dile no doubt) “But World of Warcraft is a very social game!” Well guess what Twinkie-eat, your best friend “Gorgochud69” is just your sweatier, fatter, counterpart. You will probably never meet in person, and all of your great exploits together will happen about 15 feet away from the washing machine in your mother’s dank basement. This game could be your final step, where you are going, very few have resurfaced.

Well there you have it hopeful reclusive. You stay true to my time tested steps and you will soon toil alone in your basement (probably your mom’s basement, and you may even have company when she has ironing to do) wallowing in your own filth, free to do all the things you needed isolation to do (whatever that may be, I’m talking about masturbation here).

Follow my advice and you can't lose. But you will be a loser


About heldrificus

Comedy/pop culture writer for Bench presser of dangerous animals. Tosser of rings, not salads.

Posted on September 1, 2011, in Comedy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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