My Pockets Hurt

I'm attracted to men...I mean, I'm Batman. I meant to say I was Batman

In the next few months my wallet will be attacked, ravaged (possibly raped) and then left for dead by the videogame industry.  I have accepted this, but I don’t have to like it.  I love it.  I have grown to identify with my attackers.  Since I’m strangely comfortable with my monetary molestation, here is the rogues gallery of games that will no doubt perpetrate the assault that will empty my pockets.

NHL 12

Every year they keep churning it out, and every year I keep buying it.  This year they go beyond a shiny new coat of paint/roster update and have added something that I’ve craved for since first playing the series back in ’93: the ability to run the goalie.  I’ve been aching to freight train the bastard for years, and this year I finally can (my life will essentially be complete).  Also new: Legends of the NHL, The Winter Classic, glass that shatters, and body checks into the benches (also awesome).

Release Date: September 13, 2011

Batman Arkham City

Arkham Asylum was one of my favourite games of recent years, so there is no doubt that the sequel will be an absolute gem.  A comic book videogame that isn’t just “great for a comic book game” (an admittedly weak genre), but a great game in general.  You get access to an array of Batman’s gadgets, the voice acting is top notch and the combat engine is both deep and simple so even the shittiest players can succeed (with less style).  This year you can even play as Robin…so yeah…that’s a thing.

Release Date: October 18, 2011

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

I am terrible at first person shooters, and will probably never touch the single player mode.  This isn’t an attempt to bash the storytelling in the campaign mode, I just know I’ll whittle away hours playing online.  There’s nothing better than getting slaughtered by a 14-year old while he intimates the sexually deviant acts he has performed on my mother.

Release Date: November 8, 2011

Space Marine

I played the demo and it seems fun– in an over the top, I just decimated an ork using a chain-saw-sword (chainsword?), kind of way.  My buddy Jan was a level designer for the game so I feel obligated to throw him a little support.  Luckily for him I’m a fan of ridiculous violence and racism against orks (or any green people really, go back to where you came from aliens and …uhhh…Hulk).

Release Date: OUT NOW

*Notable Games on Systems I don’t have/can’t afford/won’t be getting until I play earlier iterations*

Gears of War 3, Uncharted 3, Star Fox 64, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Mario 3D Land, Assassin’s Creed Revelation, anything for the upcoming Playstation Vita.


About heldrificus

Comedy/pop culture writer for Bench presser of dangerous animals. Tosser of rings, not salads.

Posted on September 9, 2011, in videogames and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Watch dis, youse gonna love me cuts

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