20 Definitely true facts that are for sure, actually true…seriously.
In my 27 years on this spinning blue and green ball I’ve learned very few things. Here they are.
*This is a work of fiction, only most of these facts are definitely true*
1. The death of Paul Newman signalled the end of the “Cool white guy”. He was the last one. White people will be lame from now on.
2. You can fit 9 baby Hippos in a 1978 VW microbus (10 if the back seats have been replaced with a waterbed). Anything more is just plain greedy.
3. Some people have a disease where when they want to fart they shit, and when they need to shit they just fart. Never both at the same time, this is called Dustin McPhedran syndrome.
4. Back to the Future Part II is the greatest film ever committed to celluloid.
5. 78% of people polled still thought that Rosie O’Donnell was a woman.
6. The other 22% accurately believed she (he?) had three penises.
7. Freestyle rap is the official language of Greenland.
8. Until now, no human being has ever uttered the phrase “According to Jim was my favourite television show ever”
9. 3 people have uttered the phrase “The George Lopez show is my favourite television show ever” they were immediately executed (convicted rapists).
10. Break-dancing kills more people in the United States than shark attacks (with 5 times as many bite related injuries).
11. Action movies that use the cliché line “Shit just got real” usually use it when things get decidedly ridiculous, no one ever says “Shit continues to be real” or “shit just got decidedly more ridiculous than before, this can’t possibly be real”.
12. Elvis Presley’s famous mutton chop sideburns are actually made out of pork.
13. Shaquille O’Neal is actually a midget. He wears lifts and cameras always film him from low angles.
14. M.C. Hammer is the only human being who has been deemed “too legitimate to cease his current vocation”.
15. The pause screen music from Battletoads is the greatest dance track ever recorded.
16. Before the popularity of home delivery and the advent of newsstands, headlines never sold “papes”. Newsies were the ones responsible for selling all of the “papes”.
17. In 1987 it became illegal to get a monkey high on whippets and cough medicine and let him run amok in a crowded day care centre.
18. In 1989 that law was deemed unconstitutional.
19. It is never in good taste to tell a rape joke in the middle of a job interview. Unless you’re applying to be an accountant with NAMBLA or to be the assistant to Billy Carter (dude loves unwanted sex jokes).
20. I am the worlds greatest man