Finally, I can kick Dave Coulier in the Genitals

No, you cut it out. I'm talking about the molestation.

Like many kids born in the 80’s, I have always wanted to hit Dave Coulier in the genitals with a baseball bat.  It’s nothing personal.  For all I know, Dave Coulier is a class act.  A man of honour and substance.  None of this is relevant.  His character Joey Gladstone: the basement dwelling, (probably) pedophile uncle, always seemed creepy to me.  Using his cartoon impressions to lure unsuspecting kids down to his dungeon (is it taking it too far to call it a sex dungeon?).  Even just kicking him right in the “woodchuck” seems satisfying to me (equally satisfying: hitting Kimmy Gibbler with a series of cars).

Well (clearly psychotic) people like me can have their wish, a street fighter-esque game featuring the cast of Full House.  That’s right, Full House: Tournament Fighter.  If this was out I’d buy it in a heartbeat.  I would trade in everything I own, including my kidneys and three of my original teeth.  I would sell the rights to my life story to Michael Bay (it would be a 90 minute movie about a person writing or watching TV with needless and unexplained explosions).  Anything to get a crack at Uncle Joey, or to at least use the dog to maul one of the Olsen twins.

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Think. Don’t Smoke. Be too cool for school.

Getting hammered is cool though

I’d like to think that I’m not a horrible person.  That I’m a gregarious young man, brimming with wit and an altruistic personality.  Truth is, I’m probably a pretty big jerk.  With the personality of a selfish, borderline sociopath.  How else could you explain that the television show that matches my comedic sensibilities is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?  The characters are selfish, deplorable and greedy.  They are also funny.  In celebration their return (the front of my pants is tightening just thinking about it), I present to you…Rob McElhenny’s anti-smoking commercial.  This is one of those commercials that you vaguely remember, especially since the kid is the personification of “too cool for school”.  Well that kid was Mac, so no doubt he was too cool for school or at least was the ultimate cooler.

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Spartacus loses battle with cancer

Andy Whitfield, star of the cable series Spartacus: Blood and Sand, has lost his 18 month battle with non-Hodgkin lymphoma.  He was 39 years old.

Via the Toronto Star

Whitfield died Sunday in Sydney, Australia, 18 months after he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma, manager Sam Maydew told the Associated Press.

“On a beautiful sunny Sydney spring morning, surrounded by his family, in the arms of his loving wife, our beautiful young warrior Andy Whitfield lost his 18 month battle with lymphoma cancer,” Whitfield’s wife Vashti said in a statement. “He passed peacefully surrounded by love. Thank you to all his fans whose love and support have help carry him to this point. He will be remembered as the inspiring, courageous and gentle man, father and husband he was.”

Cancer does not discriminate.  It is a bastard who sinks its claws into the old and young alike.  I will always remember Andy for his appearance in a Freddie Wong video based on Time Crisis.  I thought it was so awesome that an established actor would star in a young film maker’s youtube video, simply because he admired his earlier work.

R.I.P. Andy.  The Freddie Wong video is after the break.

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Picking at the Carcass of a Giant

Not pictured: Angry mob clawing at the bargain bins

Traditional movie and videogame rental is dead.  The once powerful juggernauts Blockbuster and Rogers have crumbled under the weight of Netflix, Hulu and other on demand services.  This leaves corner convenience stores (with their suspect selection) as the last refuge for people who still want to physically rent their movies.  During the closing days of Blockbuster I have joined the rest of the vultures, picking at the carcass of the fallen beast.  That was supposed to be a relatively intelligent way of saying that I exploited their failure, buying up DVDs for a fraction of the original price.  I simply cannot be that elegant.  The following is the list of flicks I picked up, mostly of the documentary and foreign variety.  This is not because I’m pretentious (I have no dignity and I’m not important).  I enjoy commercial crap too.

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Weekend Primer

Football! Football! Football!

Also the series finale of Entourage if that’s your bag.

Now, for absolutely no reason, several Mr. Show sketches.  See you Monday folks, with much better material.  I promise.

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Time to hit the links (not a golf article)

Pop music Warlords Funky See, Funky Do.

A blog with daily Simpsons news and Quotes.  In other words, one of the greatest sites in existence-  Dead Homer Society

The top ten lost cities- Listverse

Who the heck are these guys: The Filmdrunk guide to Happy Madison- Filmdrunk

Mel Gibson to make a movie about Jewish hero Judah Maccabee.  Also rumoured, a movie about a pack of  Wild African American rapists- Screenjunkies

Five inexplicably horrifying Episodes of classic comedies- Cracked

The son of a millionaire wins 107 million dollar lottery.  That’s good too, he really needed the money- ABC News

Freakonomics: Find the hidden side of everything- Freakonomics

Listen to Sherdog’s radio roundtable discussion on the Strikeforce heavyweight tournament Semi-finals- Sherdog

Diaz is out against GSP, will replace Condit against Penn further down on the same card- Bloodyelbow

Shameless Plug time, follow my sexy sexploits…or just regular exploits on twitter

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Do you have Steam yet?

A couple of years ago, (hero to everyone with a pulse) G.F. Mishriky introduced me to the magical land of Steam.  If Steam were a woman I’d make the sweetest of love to her, and I’d call her back.  If Steam were a man, I’d give him a firm handshake and then we’d share a coupla brews.  Fortunately (or unfortunately I guess) Steam is none of these things.  Steam is software released by the Valve corporation used for digital distribution of PC games and as an online multiplayer community.

Anyone with a PC and a passing interest in video games should download this program.  You can buy brand new games or you can buy the back catalogues of most of the major game publishers.  With most of the older titles being at bargain basement prices.  If you can stand to wait on new games, Steam occasionally has gigantic sales.  Slashing prices on the new games, DLC, and giving gigantic deals on entire publisher packages.  Steam also has cross- game chat, where you can shoot the shit with other friends who were smart enough to download this wonderful program of dreams (Dreams where you get the overtime winner in game 7 of the Stanley cup finals while on a date with an international bikini model) .

This is not a paid advertisement for steam, I get paid nothing for this, seriously though…pay me…I’m tired of eating newspaper and shoe polish.

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My Pockets Hurt

I'm attracted to men...I mean, I'm Batman. I meant to say I was Batman

In the next few months my wallet will be attacked, ravaged (possibly raped) and then left for dead by the videogame industry.  I have accepted this, but I don’t have to like it.  I love it.  I have grown to identify with my attackers.  Since I’m strangely comfortable with my monetary molestation, here is the rogues gallery of games that will no doubt perpetrate the assault that will empty my pockets.

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Raising Prostitots

The most offensive thing on TV since According to Jim

Remember when TLC actually stood for “The Learning Channel”?  No?  Well neither do I, but now it’s television’s home to: grotesquely large families, midgets, and grotesquely large midget families.  The crown jewel of crap is Toddlers and Tiaras.  A place where parents force their children into sick and degrading beauty pageants in order to live out their failed dreams of glory.  The kids are glorified dolls: dressed, slathered in make-up and forced to mince in front of a panel of judges.  Recently they decided to jettison the veneer of a “Beauty pageant” and decided they wanted the little angels to become prostitutes now, instead of 20 years down the road (the obvious progression for a failed beauty queen I suppose).

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Are Hover-boards Next?

Power Laces! The future sure is heavy!

With all of the recent posts, it would seem that this is an exclusive Back to the Future website.  I assure you I have other interests, but I admit that I will post pretty much anything related to that flick.  If Billy Zane and Casey Siemaszko are caught sharing a romantic milkshake in a filthy bathroom stall of a truck-stop in Gary Indiana, you better believe I’m putting words to paper about it.

Back II was my favourite of the trilogy because it showed me a future of: hover-boards, flying cars, rehydrated pizza that didn’t look like a cardboard wheel of garbage, self drying jackets with soothing robot voices, and radical shoes with power laces.

That last one; the radical shoes with power laces, could be a reality soon.  Nike has released this teaser called “McFly’s Closet”.

If this is real, I would kill everyone in this room just to have them.  Unfortunately I’m the only one in this room, (god I’m alone) so I better not do that.  But I’d definitely pay full price for them.

The year 2015 is coming fast; the self tying laces may be here, where’s my damn hover-board?

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