In my 27 years on this spinning blue and green ball I’ve learned very few things. Here they are.
*This is a work of fiction, only most of these facts are definitely true*
1. The death of Paul Newman signalled the end of the “Cool white guy”. He was the last one. White people will be lame from now on.
2. You can fit 9 baby Hippos in a 1978 VW microbus (10 if the back seats have been replaced with a waterbed). Anything more is just plain greedy.
Some of you are 18 (I envy your youth) and if you were able to fill out your college applications right, without misspelling your name or listing your favourite vodkas in alphabetical order, chances are you ‘re heading to some sort of ivy covered institution this week (are ITT tech or the University of Phoenix online covered in ivy? I guess you can drape ivy over your computer monitor). As a grizzled (re: ugly) veteran of both the Canadian university and college systems I have created this list of five things you should do/keep in mind during your first week of unbridled freedom from the tyranny of those old people that let you live in their house. They are called “parents” in some circles.
With the leaves starting to wither, brown and eventually commit ritual suicide by leaping out the of trees en masse, we are made painfully aware that the summer is ending and we will soon be bombarded with cold weather (at least up here in the fabled Canadas).
While we are caught in the deep freeze, we can take comfort in the idea that with the changing of seasons, television cuts loose its B squad and decides to field its starting line-up (although most of said starting line-up still sucks pretty bad, and couldn’t even find work on the Maple Leafs 3rd forward line).
Soon I will be releasing an article “Reasons to live this fall”, chronicling what shows you should lend a glazed over stare to (wow that sounds so negative, I need a caffiene injection of some sort). Until then, enjoy this montage of Troy and Abed from Community, the best comedy on network TV.
Her breath hung in the sky, a stark contrast to the clear crisp air. The steel clouds held a constant threat of snow, hoping to join its brethren who had littered the ground the previous night. The woman was tired, her once good looks ravaged by age. Her face was a roadmap of lines, indicating the journey she had travelled in her previous 75 years. The first step on the stairs was unsure as she gripped the handrail tightly. The second step was more confident and her grip on the railing eased. With the third step she had grown cocky, her hand was removed from the railing entirely. This would prove to be her undoing.
Are you tired of the soul crushing reality that is interacting with society at large? Would you rather just sink into the abyss that is loneliness and habitual Cheeto binges? Is your hero J.D. Salinger (R.I.P.), and not for the fact that he is a great writer, but because of his herculean efforts in staying out of the public eye? Follow these easy steps and you will be toiling in your own loneliness and self despair in no time! (The internet doesn’t count; it may be the 3rd lowest form of social interaction behind text messaging and sexy chats with 1-900 numbers… I still can’t believe Peppermint blocked my number)