Despite my rugged handsomeness, I don’t have many loves in my life. Maybe my manliness intimidates women, or maybe they’re mistaking my “rugged handsomeness” for “misshapen ugliness”. The point is– other than my immediate family and some close friends– the only constant love I’ve had in my life is The Simpsons. I’m strangely comfortable with this. 78% of my language is cobbled together using Simpsons references (the other 22% is recreating the Sanford & Son theme using mouth noises and under-seen Mr. Show sketches). My lifelong dream will always involve writing for The Simpsons. I would even settle for sitting in the writers room in quiet awe while they dictate their lunch orders to me. So you would have to believe the front of my pants would tighten when a friend sent me a link to the most beautiful story ever written. Was it the Bible? Everybody poops? Breakfast of Champions? Carrot Top’s Junk in the Trunk? Katherine Hepburn’s Me?