Like many kids born in the 80’s, I have always wanted to hit Dave Coulier in the genitals with a baseball bat. It’s nothing personal. For all I know, Dave Coulier is a class act. A man of honour and substance. None of this is relevant. His character Joey Gladstone: the basement dwelling, (probably) pedophile uncle, always seemed creepy to me. Using his cartoon impressions to lure unsuspecting kids down to his dungeon (is it taking it too far to call it a sex dungeon?). Even just kicking him right in the “woodchuck” seems satisfying to me (equally satisfying: hitting Kimmy Gibbler with a series of cars).
Well (clearly psychotic) people like me can have their wish, a street fighter-esque game featuring the cast of Full House. That’s right, Full House: Tournament Fighter. If this was out I’d buy it in a heartbeat. I would trade in everything I own, including my kidneys and three of my original teeth. I would sell the rights to my life story to Michael Bay (it would be a 90 minute movie about a person writing or watching TV with needless and unexplained explosions). Anything to get a crack at Uncle Joey, or to at least use the dog to maul one of the Olsen twins.
A couple of years ago, (hero to everyone with a pulse) G.F. Mishriky introduced me to the magical land of Steam. If Steam were a woman I’d make the sweetest of love to her, and I’d call her back. If Steam were a man, I’d give him a firm handshake and then we’d share a coupla brews. Fortunately (or unfortunately I guess) Steam is none of these things. Steam is software released by the Valve corporation used for digital distribution of PC games and as an online multiplayer community.
Anyone with a PC and a passing interest in video games should download this program. You can buy brand new games or you can buy the back catalogues of most of the major game publishers. With most of the older titles being at bargain basement prices. If you can stand to wait on new games, Steam occasionally has gigantic sales. Slashing prices on the new games, DLC, and giving gigantic deals on entire publisher packages. Steam also has cross- game chat, where you can shoot the shit with other friends who were smart enough to download this wonderful program of dreams (Dreams where you get the overtime winner in game 7 of the Stanley cup finals while on a date with an international bikini model) .
This is not a paid advertisement for steam, I get paid nothing for this, seriously though…pay me…I’m tired of eating newspaper and shoe polish.
In the next few months my wallet will be attacked, ravaged (possibly raped) and then left for dead by the videogame industry. I have accepted this, but I don’t have to like it. I love it. I have grown to identify with my attackers. Since I’m strangely comfortable with my monetary molestation, here is the rogues gallery of games that will no doubt perpetrate the assault that will empty my pockets.
If there is one thing that every single generation is guilty of, it is the act of being overly nostalgic (I am not guilty of loving Matlock, that blood is on your hands Grandma). I constantly find myself pining away for every little bit of my childhood as if my personal history was filled with such kick ass “activities” as bench pressing dangerous animals and erotically charged make out sessions with Punky Brewster and Winnie Cooper. Recently I decided to jump on the emulator bandwagon to relive all the old NES and SNES classics of my (non make-out session with various celebrities filled) youth. I wanted to recapture the long and lazy days with friends on the couch, staring at the glowing tube, gorging on chippos and caffeinated, sugar-filled beverines, callusing our fingers until they resembled the meat hooks of the late Bea Arthur. In honour of my fumbled attempt at recapturing the essence of my youth I will now count down my favourite SNES games of all time.